Last night I dragged my behind to the Club for movie trivia night. I was making my normal excuses before I left. It’s cold. It’s dark. The chairs are falling apart. All true. But also I had not seen a human in two days save for the ten seconds where I handed my son a badminton racket on his way from his college apartment to a Raptors game.
So I got dressed. I wore my fancy portrait neck coat like Gwyneth’s in A Perfect Murder (possibly the best film ever made for the fashion alone!) I wore the bakers cap everything thinks is from Chanel but is from some dude making them on Etsy. The subway is active on cold nights so I got an Uber and off I went.
I never regret going out, especially now that I no longer drink and have stopped dating. Last night was fun. I reconnected with people I really like. I met some new faces. We even won! (My contributions were thin - basically I knew the answer to one question about Grey Gardens.)
So why is it so hard to get motivated? Why do I lay around in front of the fake fireplace and watch Gossip Girl for the thousenth time and online shop for things I don’t need?
Because it’s easy. It’s comfortable. My giant white sofa with the pillows and throws is cozy AF.
I’m not alone. Midlife women are isolating themselves. A study in American Psychology found that our generation is lonelier than previous generations due to the erosion of social safety nets.
COVID exacerbated these problems as people worked from home and changed our social habits. After being basically locked up for years, we simply stopped leaving our homes. The reason why the Vision Board Party lady went viral is because we all love the idea of doing social things, but when it comes to putting on actual clothes and leaving the house, we are all kind of over it. Even she has only been able to engage people online, it seems. And while that’s good, it’s really not the same as in person engagement.
Midlife women are particularly lonely in the empty nest stage as we no longer have easy conversation on the sidelines and PTA meetings. If we want friendships at this stage of life, we have to make an effort. and that involves leaving the house (or having people over but that’s a topic for another day.) Otherwise, you will end up on the dating apps or trying to engage your husband in conversation about golf simple because you are starved for human contact.
I remind myself that the reason I enjoy watching Serena and Blair et al is because they dress up and go out. They do not lay around on the sofa in sweats. Lily van der Woodsen even managed to be social when she was under house arrest and she was in midlife. Apparently Kelly Rutherford’s character was supposed to be a 41-year old three-times divorcee when the show started and if that does not justify laying on a sofa forever I don’t know what does. But she got out there and bagged herself a billionaire and a rock star in addition to meddling in everyone’s lives all while looking gorgeous. I mean, even her off duty looks were chef’s kiss. My 2025 mantra is WWLD: What would Lily do?
You don’t have to put on Givenchy (although, if you can, please do) or attend the Met Gala to start. Simply heading outside wearing pants with some sort of non-elastic fastener is a good place to start. (If that’s too much and you must wear yoga pants to maintain your sanity, please go to a group fitness class where you can get some endorphins and social engagement.)
Sign up for something that costs you money so you are incentivized to show up. Engage a pal who you know will hold you accountable if you blow things off. Just get out there.
Online connection is fabulous (we are setting up an online community that you can join here) but only when it eventually translates to real life engagements. (This is why we picked a platform that helps folks geolocate others in their general area. A year from now when it has some traction, we will be doing some Selfish things IRL.)
This week, make a point of connecting with someone old or new. Put on pants. Leave the house. Go have an adventure.
We love you.
Xx
